I walk down the street and I am me. I am a person full of thoughts, emotions, love and so much more to embrace. There were times I walked with my eyes closed to ignore the looks that shamed my physically body, as if my surface defined who I am. I defy what society has normalized, I am a FAT brown womxn reinventing the norms of a broken society.
How did we come to the point were one body fits all and being fat, curvy or plus size was seen in disgust. People around you judge based on apperance and make assumptions on the observations they make, then conclude the type of person you are. The thinner you are the more wanted you are, the more beautiful you are in this society. They do not get to know the amazing writer you are, the lovely voice that flows like the lyrics to some poetic justice. We assume without being self aware and present in our own lives and care about the impact we make on other lives. Who are you to make me feel uncomfortable and judge without knowing my story.
These “standards”of being white, thin and straight are socially constructed ideologies that I already do not fit and that influenced a big part of my life. Toxic behaviors followed my life; wanting to loose weight to be happy, hiding behind loose clothes to minimize my existence and most importantly forgetting to love myself. I let my smile blind my friends and family; to say I was fine when I really was not. To agree when strangers and “friends” said “you have a pretty face for a fat person”, to become silent and someone who is afraid to speak up because I might be wrong. How would I change the habits and behavioral patterns that I adapted to cope with fat shaming?
I surrounded myself with people that I could talk to about my insecurities and with people that didnt make me feel out of place because I didnt fit in with their circle. Knowledge on oneself and connecting with others makes you aware of the problem you normalized as part of your life and you begin to take charge of your own life. I began to follow people on social media that resembled my body type and that were challenging fashion trends. I began reading on self care methods that would help me build my body confidence. I began to talk about how I felt and to not hide my feelings until I exploded with emotions. With more self awarness and information I would learn from podcasts and poetry I began to fall in love with myself and uncover feelings I had blocked. I wasn’t alone I had support from strangers that felt familiar, podcasts that have given me the light to explore myself physically and emotionally. I still have a long way to go but listening to these strong women of color makes me feel supported and loved and each day I continue to learn more about myself.
Being vunerable is exposing your self physically and emotionally, and in order for me to be comfortable in my own skin I had to see myself. Learn about my naked ass body, my fat cheeks that puff up every time I smile, my small breast, my thick thighs, my fat ass, the rolls and strech marks that are part of me. I allowed myself to be genuinely happy, for others to see me and see all the space my body was claiming. I still see pictures of myself and I struggle with the image infront of me but I constantly talk to myself and say, this is you and its okay to love the image reflecting. I stopped worrying about what others would say or think because they could also be acting out of their own insecurities. There are traumas I carry that affect the way I carry myself and I am learning to cope with those traumas and not letting them determine my present and future.
Making those choices on how I am going to dress, what am i going to say, what space im going to take is not easy but I am here to learn and empower one another to be FAT, TO BE BROWN AND LOUD AS FUCK . I am learning how to be vunerable so that I can continue to see the beautiful strong woman I am, to show others who I am and the space I am taking. I am ready to challenge fashion trends, the way we talk about fatness and most important, to walk tall ass fuck and keep on creating my path.